APPROPRIATE SELF-LOVE

Introduction 

The word appropriate could be translated proper, suitable, or fitting. It is an adjective used intentionally to describe self-love for a reason.

You see, self-love or love of self is a commonly misunderstood concept. It is often equated with prideful arrogance.

This common misconception of self-love is far from the truth! Appropriate self-love is neither prideful nor arrogant. Properly understood, it is a demonstration of humble thankfulness for who one is. 

This article is an attempt to dispel the preceding misconception regarding self-love.

The term appropriate is purposefully utilized to set the stage from the beginning and to affirm that self-love is indeed proper and fitting to someone who wishes to take an honest look at one’s self. 

The writer will also integrate some spiritual insights in this material to inform those with a deep religious inclination that self-love is not inconsistent with a profound spirituality. 

What self-love is not 

Self-love is not selfish. In selfishness, all that matters is the self. To a selfish person, no one else matters. “Every act in town is about me,” says the selfish individual.

In matters of priority, the selfish is always at the top. When falling in line to be served, the selfish must be the first. The greatest individual on earth to the self is the “me.” The center of the universe is the “I.” 

Now, to the little infant who is growing to become a toddler, such selfishness is probably warranted. After all, without the care given by designated caregivers, the little child will not flourish.

So, everything has to be done for the nurture of the baby. But growing through life’s reality will soon bring realization to the child that in life, others matter too.

Self-love is not selfless. Selfless simply means that all that matters are the others. This is the exact opposite of selfishness.

To the selfless person, everything about life has to do with others. The selfless does not deserve to experience any good thing in life. The selfless thinks that the primary calling is for the self to suffer.

Pain at all costs and in all areas of existence is consistent with the selfless mindset. 

While the selfish person will be at the front of the line to be served, the selfless will acquiesce to be last. As a matter of fact, if there is space after the last, the selfless will take it. 

But God does not expect us to abolish or annihilate the self!

Destroying self to smithereens goes against the divine act of kindness to create us just as we are and for what we will be! Even as others matter, the self matters too. 

Self-love is not consistent with self-denial. It is a common belief to think that people are instructed by a biblical command to deny self. But self-denial properly understood is not death to self.

Self-denial is simply saying “No” to the element of self that is not healthy for the self and others.

More specifically, it says “No” to that component of the self that is not glorifying to God or edifying to others.

Let me give an example. If eating another bowl of ice cream on a full stomach will result in diarrhea, then say “No!” When watching pornographic material is contributing to the ruin of the marriage, then say “No.”

If taking advantage of the poor, during their time of illness, for more personal gain will worsen their plight, then, by all means, say “No!”

This is self-denial: the courage to say “No” to the self’s urges that are not beneficial for the greater good! 

Four Components of Appropriate Self-Love

1. Self-love is an act of obedience. 

There is a biblical mandate that is noteworthy to recall.  “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and, Love your neighbor as yourself” (Luke 10:27).

This statement was a direct response of Jesus, the Christ, to the inquiry of a legal expert about what’s the greatest commandment of all. The response informs there are really just two: to love God and love others as oneself. 

Many have spoken and written about loving God and others, but few have expounded on the last phrase that says as yourself.

This phrase presupposes that there has to be an adequate and appropriate love of self first before one could extend the same gesture of love to others.

It is as simple as sharing a piece of cake; one can’t share the cake that he or she doesn’t have. 

So to love self is really an act of obedience to the primary mandate earlier noted.

Loving God without loving self is hypocritical, for one does not love the very self that God loves.

Loving others without loving self is simply an exercise of social service that comes from an obligation and not from the abundance of one’s heart. 

2. Self-love nurtures one’s primary gift. 

Are you aware that the primary gift we all have received from divine providence is life?

This perspective is taken on by one who genuinely recognizes that if not for the grace of God, there would be no life here! This mindset suggests that no one ever owns one’s life.  

What would be the more appropriate posture when life is embraced as a gift?

A person who receives life as a gift will cherish and properly nurture the gift. This means that life will not be neglected or abused. 

My professional counseling experience informs me that when life is either neglected or abused, it could eventually result in all kinds of mental disorders.

A classic example is addiction and its accompanying peril called major depression. Many of those who suffer from these dual disorders could benefit from true spirituality that nurtures life as a direct outcome of appropriate self-love. 

3. Self-Love honors the Source of life. 

One of my favorite choruses is taken from Psalm 8. It starts with these lyrics: “O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!” Then, the songwriter proceeds to give a brief description of the beauty and majesty of the created order.

Shortly after considering the wonder of creation, a rhetorical question is asked, “What is man that you are mindful of them?” 

Have you ever been awed at the splashing beauty of the sunrise or the breathtaking majestic color of the sunset? 

Have you ever experienced the cascading splendor of the mountains that are washed by the different azure hues of the sky? What about the wonder of the vastness of the ocean?

Pausing to marvel at creation and to wonder that in the midst of its grandeur, a human being like you and me can be the object of divine favor is quite inexplicable! That’s how the psalmist felt! 

When someone truly loves self in an appropriate way, the person will honor with a full exclamation, the creator of life! And the surrounding splendor of natural creation is simply a constant reminder. 

4. Self-love celebrates personal significance. 

This perspective ties well with the preceding one. The same song of David declares, “You have made them (humanity) a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor.”

What a marvelous insight this is: as a human being created by divine power, I am not just here to decorate the earth! I am here in the universe with inherent nobility (just lower than the angels) along with the greatest potential for greatness (crowned with glory) and object of utmost respect (… and honor). 

When self is loved appropriately, there is a sense of celebration for one’s significance. Life is lived with a noble purpose.

Can you imagine the relational impact of this? This perspective directly results in a strong belief that one matters even as others truly matter too. The appropriately self-loved individual is not going to wallow in self-pity.

Whenever this person who loves self becomes part of a community, the group thrives healthily, for by example, the loved self becomes an encouragement to others also to pursue their divinely-endowed potentials. 

Furthermore, one who celebrates personal significance will not be easily affected by the careless attitude, words, and actions of others struggling with their own personal significance.

Whenever I receive undue criticism I often remind myself that this is the issue of the critic and not mine.

The person who truly loves self can separate the unhealthy words or behavior of others from one’s personal esteem of self. As a result, conflict in relationships is easily prevented from taking root.  

Conclusion

There is an urgent need for people to return to the basics: to love self appropriately.

Remember, appropriate love of self is an act of obedience; nurtures life as a primary gift; honors the Source of life with one’s life; and celebrates who one is with thankfulness!

At the bottom of every conceivable psychological problem is a diminishment of self that is often occasioned by shaming traumatic experiences.

The unresolved damage to self often perpetuates the damaging of others. Shamed people, shame other people! Only when the love of self returns to the heart will the cycle of painful experiences be stopped.

Furthermore, the loved self will insist on trusting that even in the midst of pain and suffering, lessons can be learned to strengthen the self. 

As mentioned earlier, love of self is not selfish or selfless. It is simply a demonstration of the truth that everyone (self and others) truly matters in the midst of the human community.

In this community, each one has the giftedness to practice for the greater good. And every person has potential for greatness that deserves respect. There is no need to compete anymore. There is no room for conceit, jealousy, or envy to grow. 

May you look inside after you have read this article and begin the journey of loving yourself. May your journey be accompanied by thankfulness for who you are and for the exciting potentials of what you will still become!