On Safe Distancing, Boundaries and Attachment to Things

Today, here in Singapore is the start of the third week of the Circuit Breaker requirement for people to stay at home and maintain social distancing at all levels of daily activity.

There will be no socializing except with those who live in the same household. Mask is to be worn every time one gets out of the house. This is an initiative of the government to contain the spread of COVID-19.

For those who may be reading this blog after the whole episode is over, COVID-19 is short for coronavirus disease found in 2019 in Wuhan, China.

It is a mutation of a virus that causes respiratory illness like influenza. Its symptoms usually are cough, fever, tiredness and breathing problems. The disease becomes fatal when recipients are older people with current chronic illnesses.

COVID-19 has become a pandemic because it spread all over the world unmindful of race, ethnic, social and economic boundaries. As this article is written, the latest statistical report shows 2,556,761 cases globally with 177,619 deaths and 690,394 recovered. (www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/ retrieved 22 April 2020).

Since the start of the COVID-19, the term “safe-distancing” has become the buzzword in social media. This term has caught my attention that it becomes the basis of my reflection today.

The first time I came across “safe-distancing” I was taken aback. The initial focus of my thought was on the second word distancing which is the opposite of reconnecting that I have been teaching through the years.

You see, as a professional counsellor, I have learned that the basic origin of many psychological disorders is unresolved Shame with isolation as its dominant core.

The shamed is severely alienated in relationships. The primary encouragement is for the shamed to reestablish a connection with others.

A way to look at counselling is it’s a ministry of establishing a fresh relationship with the isolated. So, when we talk about distancing, we are talking about the antithesis of reconnecting.  

However, when I took a second look at the term and focused on the first word safe it dawned on me that there is indeed room for distancing that is considered safe.

This is the distancing that sets boundaries so that one would remain healthy and not infected. Without parameters, our relationships can become unhealthy and even fatal.

Let me share two insights from the perspective of overall health maintenance.

1. Boundaries are needed for wholeness.

A boundary is an invisible line that regulates who can and who cannot participate in one’s life. When your mother gives you a hug you welcome that gesture as a profound affirmation of love.

When a stranger on Main Street gives you a hug, you will be embarrassed, offended, and perhaps even feel violated.

What happened? There was a crossing of a boundary that says, “Only those I love can give me a hug.”

When someone opens the door of your room without knocking, that person has violated a boundary. When an uninvited individual showed up in your home to join your birthday celebration without prior notice, a boundary was crossed.

So, you see boundaries are important. They signal to us that there are certain parameters we observe.

Society would call these ethics or morality. But at the core, they are boundaries.

In relationship it is okay to say “No” if the invitation to participate will neither promote self-care nor edifying to others who observe. One can say “No” with a smile and without feeling guilt for having done so.

Perhaps one of the disguised blessings of COVID-19 is to remind us that in life we need to maintain a healthy distance from those who are toxic to us due to their own struggle with human brokenness.

For example, if somebody keeps on calling me at 11:30 in the evening and keeps on telling me the same old story that has been repeated countless times, I need to remind that person gently that the next time I will not answer the call because I need to take my much-needed rest.

Furthermore, there is a challenge that being locked down in our own homes offer. It nudges us all to renew our connection with those we live together.

This is a golden opportunity to have a true dialogue with all family members with a view of restoring broken relationships; with improving the quality of intimacy with one another; and with rediscovering afresh each other’s language of love.

When these practical steps are taken, we can come out of this circuit breaker episode with renewed enthusiasm for life.

2. Warning against attachment to things.

There is another important thought that crossed my mind while reflecting on safe-distancing.

While I am aware that the nature of distancing has to do with how we socialize with others, I am wondering if there is also a need for us to detach not from persons but from things.

Let me elucidate.

Because of safe-distancing, many of us have been informed that we cannot report to the office anymore for work. And so, a large number of people are no longer physically reporting to the workplace.

This may not be significant to the ordinary observer, but let me note that not very few people look at the office as a symbol of their performance productivity. This productivity eventually gets translated into income which to them is a solid proof of their worth.

And this is where a fundamental issue lies. It is deriving personal esteem from what one does.

And what happens when this work is threatened?  The value that one placed upon performance will no longer hold water.

Thus, one is forced to look inside given that one is isolated. Looking inside can reveal so much of unresolved pain that it can be stressful.

While working in the office offers a socio-culturally accepted distraction and a good excuse to postpone looking at one’s unresolved issues.

This pandemic that brings enforced isolation, uncertainty and anxiety can be stressful.

The stress level has caused many to drink alcohol to pacify their emotion. A recent study in the US has revealed an astounding statistics regarding drinking while working at home.

As many as 36% of men and 26% of women admitted to drinking on the clock while working at home during this COVID-19 season.

However, not all is bad news. There is a functionally healthy component to the stress while being apart from what symbolizes productivity.

And it is this: Perhaps we are potently reminded by this pandemic that we are to detach from things that the world system has dictated to us.

Set the record straight in our hearts

Could this be a golden opportunity for us to set the record straight in our hearts?

We derive our significance from fully embracing who we are before God – His creation who bears His image. We are to reflect upon our need to nurture our souls.

How do we do this?

We shall first restore our relationship with Him through the forgiveness offered by his Son.

Then, we need to celebrate that we are truly lovable persons regardless of our roles. And we can utilize this celebrative platform to restore our relationship with others.

Life is more than just a body!

When we detach from things we say that what we do is not where we derive our significance.

What we do is only important when we take it as a vehicle to honour the God who gave us giftedness and to edify others in our sphere of influence.

My encouragement to all who have the opportunity to read this blog is to take advantage of the disguised blessings of COVID-19.

May your life emerge truly different in wondrous ways as a result of this unwanted episode.

And may others who relate with you be encouraged by your demonstrated change so that they will follow your example. Shalom, everyone!