Peril of Narcissism

Introduction 

A recent read has inspired me to write this article. Chuck DeGroat’s “When Narcissism Comes to Church” is quite thorough in its analysis of a pervasive problem that needs to be addressed. Several of the thoughts in this article were taken from this timely and helpful material. (DeGroat, 2020. InterVarsity Press). 

In Greek mythology, Narcissus was a young hunter who was gifted with good looks. He refused all romantic advances because he fell in love with his own appearance upon looking at a pool of water.

He spent practically all of his life looking at his personal reflection on the water. When he died, flowers sprouted at his graveyard and were called by his name. Today, these flowers are commonly called either daffodils or one that belongs to the amaryllis family. 

“Narcissistic” has become a description of a person with an inflated opinion of self and an exaggerated sense of personal significance.

Quite often, this individual is conceited and provoking of others due to the need to be correct. When unaddressed, the narcissistic pattern can cause enormous personal distress, impairment of functioning, and disturbance of relationships. 

Through the rigor of research studies, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has eventually found itself in Cluster B of Personality Disorders of the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM) of the American Psychiatric Association.

Other members of this Cluster are Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic Personality Disorders. NPD is characterized by the exaggerated opinion of self, attention and admiration seeking, and lack of empathy for others.

Behind the veneer of superiority, narcissism hides a very important truth: a diminished self-esteem developed through the years, starting from the family of origin.

Experts would tell that at the bottom of a narcissistic behavior is a traumatic experience, usually during early childhood, that resulted in a profound shame.

The shame is occasioned by any or a combination of the following: parental abandonment for a prolonged period of time either through divorce, separation, immigration, or force majeure; abuse or neglect of any type (physical, emotional, sexual); debilitating illness; and unresolved psychiatric parental issues.  

The child who went through any of the earlier mentioned events experienced trauma which attacks personal significance.

Take divorce, for example. When parents divorce, the child thinks this way: “My parents’ personal desires are more important than mine, that’s why they’re willing to forsake me! Something must be wrong with me!”

In the case of immigration that left the child under someone else’s care, the child thinks, “Going to another country is more important to my father than me; that’s why he’s willing to leave me behind! I think I’m not loveable enough!”

Take note that the child does not understand the value of economic prosperity yet. To the child, the parents’ presence is what matters the most.

Thus, the child grows up into teenage years and young adulthood, developing a pattern of numbing the pain.

Any of the following will play the numbing trick: addiction of all types (drugs, alcohol, gambling, porn, internet gaming, shopping, and food); seeking for ranks and positions; busyness; spiraling to anxiety and depression; codependency; perfectionism; psychosocial withdrawal; exhibitionism; arrogance; and floating rage. 

Where do we find narcissists?

They are everywhere, and they can be in our midst. You observe them in families, workplaces; communities; churches, and politics.

Watch out for those who think that every act in town must be about them. Be mindful of those who need to stand out. And be alert of those who cannot accept criticism. 

Ten Evidences of Narcissism

Let us consider the practical pieces of evidence of NPD, particularly as they impinge on relationships. The list here is not all-inclusive, but these are the salient ones.

1. Grandiosity – A narcissist talks not by the hundreds but by the thousands or millions and makes effort to announce whatever has been acquired. Also, there is an observable pattern of talking big whether this is about cars; garments; travel; or big-named friends. Dropping names, whether it be brands, places of vacation, or well-positioned acquaintances, is obvious. 

2. Attention Seeking – This evidence usually goes alongside the need for admiration. The bottom-line of a narcissistic pattern in adulthood is a young child who is extremely hungry for validation. Seeking for attention or admiration is really nothing more than an extension of the unfulfilled legitimate childhood need to be validated which unfortunately has not been given. 

3. Entitlement – Narcissistic individuals think they deserve the best in life. Consequently, they have difficulty receiving gifts for in their minds the good things in life are simply due them. They will also insist on their rights so that their entitlement will be morally or even religiously grounded. Among religious narcissists, it is not unusual to quote biblical verses to prove their correctness.

4. Lack of Empathy – The narcissist has extreme difficulty demonstrating empathy with others. The primary empathy block is the unresolved pain they have been carrying through the years. Their emotional ears are so undeveloped they cannot hear the misery of others. If there is something evident in this area, it is the need of the narcissist to be understood and the victim mentality is forged in the process. Remember, it’s all about them not about others. 

5. Performance Orientation – The desire to be admired is fueling the need to perform. This is quite observable in the workplace. However, the inner motivation for this performance orientation is the compelling need to be approved. A narcissist will vehemently complain if his personal efforts were not positively recognized. Clinicians have coined the term “codependency” to describe the process of deriving esteem from helping others sacrificially, to sedate one’s pain. 

6. Reputation Over Character – Promoting reputation at all cost is extremely necessary for one who suffers from NPD. There is ease in justifying a questionable behavior in favor of forging a good image. Narcissistic managers are willing to spend enormous amount of money for advertising to promote reputation. The old saying, “Take care of your character and your reputation will follow!” is foreign to the narcissist. 

7. Self-defensiveness – People with NPD are very quick to make self-defense. Very often, to the narcissist, whoever is criticizing would be either to blame for their ignorance or deflect the issue unto something else. Defensiveness is a developed mechanism to protect a fragile ego that might break if the criticism is entertained. The pain of truth is extremely avoided at all cost!

8. Anger Management Problem – Recall that one with NPD has unresolved pain directly linked to shame-based childhood experiences. The pain is hidden by temper issues. One way to understand the anger of a narcissistic individual is to establish the root of a painful experience that has not really been addressed and therefore remains unresolved.

9. Isolation – A narcissistic person does not have close friends. It is quite understandable considering that friends only linger if there is mutuality in the nature of relationship. “Give and take” fuels relational stability. But a narcissist likes to talk about himself.  If there is any issue at hand, he will make an attempt to make this about his own struggles and suffering. Thus, friends become frustrated and eventually they leave. This is quite sad, because in the absence of real friends one journeys towards loneliness. 

10. Profound Insecurity – The preceding evidences are fundamentally grounded by profound insecurity. So, a narcissistic person will not be hesitant to talk ill of another, even if the issue is unfounded, to put himself at the higher level. There is also an attempt to belittle the achievements and accomplishments of others, unless he or she has contributed to that success. The flipside of this insecurity is a seething, silent envy at the achievement of others.

How to Deal with a Narcissistic Person 

Let me say that it is not easy to deal with someone who suffers from NPD. This is primarily because those with personality disorders do not usually come voluntarily for treatment unless something drastic happens personally or professionally.

This is quite different from those who have depression or anxiety, or addiction, the symptoms of which are quite glaring and lead to severe dysfunction.

People with NPD are still functioning at work or church, so they often perform leadership roles that are hard to challenge. Needless to say, it takes an extra dose of patience to offer help that sometimes is not recognized as needed.

My suggestion is to establish a relationship with someone with NPD and solidify this relationship with frequent validation.

The person needs plenty of assurance born out of childhood lack and therefore gets attracted to someone who will readily offer the validation. Be forewarned, however, that the validation should be consistent with facts.

Once the relationship has been solidified, try to become more straightforward yet gentle by stating the problem as evidenced by the symptoms suggested earlier. Be tentative in declaring your observation, and whenever it is rejected, be humble enough to withdraw your interpretation. 

When you detect a certain amount of openness from your NPD sufferer friend, suggest the value of seeking professional counseling. Offer your suggestion in the form of seeking consultation and accompany this with the potential gain that your friend will accomplish once it’s done. 

Professional counselors suggest that if there is impairment of sleep, mood dysregulation, and disturbance of appetite, appropriate medication will be helpful. 

Alongside seeking professional help, a regular regimen of physical exercise is essential to sustain recovery from NPD. Exercise promotes discipline and personal sacrifice aside from the physical health that it offers. It is also quite helpful to do physical exercise with a small group of supportive friends who understand the challenges of life that go with recovery. 

Furthermore, encourage the pursuit of balance in life through the discipline of solitude and reflection. Both will help strengthen the growth of wisdom necessary for the NPD to be overcome on a sustained basis.