Practical Principles for Effective Parenting

Introduction

Effective Parenting is more of an art than an exact science. It is applied with due consideration of the uniqueness of the family unit with its surrounding circumstances.

Of course, this does not mean that there are no proven principles derived from studies of family life that make parenting effective.

My encouragement to the readers of this article is to understand and creatively practice the following effective parenting tips derived from keen observation of families in the context of both professional counseling and formal education. 

Professional counselors who have dealt with families will readily agree that the primary reason for faulty parenting is lack of preparation. Many young adults plunge into marriage with utter lack of preparedness to parent a child.

A couple who came to me for premarital counseling was surprised to note that among the topics we will be discussing is Discipline of Children. The perceptive bride-to-be asked, “Why do we need to discuss this topic when all we ask is how to prepare for our forthcoming marriage?”

I smiled and gently replied, “The last time I heard, when young couples get married, children start coming and some of them unplanned!” She gave me a grin. 

There is no college degree in parenting. The best universities do not have this in their curriculum. There are degrees on how to split the atom or construct a huge building, but there is no degree on how to raise a family.

And yet, almost 3 out of 4 adults turn out to become married at a certain point. Many of them end up divorcing but get this: 7 out of 10 ends up remarrying.

So, the divorce rate is not really a bad commentary on marriage itself but the lack of competence to stay married.

And part of the usual conflict in marriage is the challenge of parenting. Indeed, the sad part of these divorces is that children born in the process end up having to choose which parent to live with.

This article is a small attempt to share basic tips on effective parenting. The ultimate outcome is to raise children who become psychosocially stable adults who can hurdle the future challenges of parenting themselves.

So, here are the practical principles for effective parenting. Let me categorize these Effective Parenting Tips into two: Don’ts and Dos.

DON’TS

1. Don’t try to change your child. 

This is such a basic principle of parenting that it is often overlooked. Many parents approach the discipline of children with a view of changing them.

Parents need to accept their children for who they are. Each child has a unique personality.

One can be naturally sociable and the other is more retrospective; one is more inclined to sports and the other to the arts.

To try to change them is a losing proposition and a journey to frustration. 

Does that mean that the child’s unacceptable behavior should be allowed to have free reign? Of course not!

This is where competence in the discipline of children comes into play. I will discuss this later on. But for now, let me remind us all that we cannot change our children.

We can help shape their personality, but the change of human heart is really not our prerogative.

Only God can change each heart. The parents’ role is to encourage and inspire primarily through their example.

This calls for a diligent study of the uniqueness along with the inclination of each child.

2. Don’t compare. 

Many of you who read this article can resonate with this principle. How many of you have grown up being compared with someone else?

Do you remember how it felt? It is deeply frustrating for the child because he or she can never be like the other person.

The problem with comparison is this: the child is often compared with someone better. Aside from being shamed, that feeling of “I’m not enough!” or “Something is missing in me!” the child develops resentment for not being accepted. 

One direct outcome of the comparison is the child mimicking the object with whom she is compared at the expense of nurturing her own personal uniqueness. The result of this is constant dissatisfaction with oneself. 

Another outcome of the comparison is the child becoming performance-based to gain the validation of the parents.

The common arenas where performance is gauged are academics, sports and athletics, and fine arts. Truth be told, some of these arenas can become lucrative and money-making in the future.

But the consequence of this is dire: the heartfelt celebration of who one is, is sacrificed!  And so the saying remains, “He is wealthy (substitute this with “powerful;” “popular;” “admired;” “well-traveled”) but very unhappy!”

Aren’t we surprised to know that the top mental illness in well-developed countries is Major Depression that comes from inner dissatisfaction founded by unresolved shame?

3. Don’t punish to vent anger.

Punishment is quite different from discipline. The primary goal of punishment is to curb unacceptable behavior.

On the other hand, discipline is a larger umbrella in parenting, the main goal of which is to transmit values that could include acceptable behavior.

By its very nature, punishment usually entails the imposition of a penalty or consequence for an offense. Punishment will only serve its purpose if the behavior considered unacceptable is stopped.

If the behavior remains, then punishment has not served its purpose. It’s time for parents to change their strategy. 

One major problem of many parents is that they impose punishment to vent their anger and uphold their power to take control. Regardless of whether or not the consequence is appropriate to the offense, the punishment to vent anger is employed.

Quite often, this anger-based punishment is imposed without due processing. It is done impulsively.

Consequently, children receive this as harsh, and they end up feeling unloved and resentful to their parents. How do children express their resentment?

They demonstrate resentment by repeating the same prohibited behavior, doing something even worse, or simply becoming emotionally distant.

And the cycle of misbehavior and anger-based punishment continues. Only wisdom, derived through reflection, can make some change.

4. Don’t disagree with spouse about discipline in the child’s presence. 

Don’t get me wrong here. I do not propose that married couples should never have any disagreement at all!

Couples who can do this through their married life are either in denial or not living on earth anymore. A disagreement is an indication that two people are thinking and feeling differently about matters at hand. 

Parents can disagree about their political preferences or their opinion about climate change, but not this. The disagreement that is focused here that should be avoided is regarding the discipline strategy employed to the child.

This disagreement must not, whenever possible, be expressed in the presence of the child being disciplined!

Parents, go to your room, closed the door, and disagree to your hearts’ delight! 

When parents openly disagree about the discipline strategy in the presence of the child being disciplined, the child receives these messages:

1. “My parents are inconsistent. One wants this and the other wants that.” Remember that an important matter that the child needs to observe in parents is consistency in what they say and in what they do. Consistency leads to feeling of security in the child.
   
   
2. “My parents don’t respect each other. How can they expect me to respect them?” As a direct consequence of this mindset, the child will learn to split the parents.
   
   
3. “My parents don’t know what to do with me? Something must be wrong with me.” The child internalizes parental behavior that leads to doubting his or her own personal significance. 

DOs

1. Do help the child to discover giftedness.

An integral motivation in the discipline of children is to shape their behavior consistent with the values that parents uphold. A part of attaining this goal is to discover the child’s giftedness. 

Each child has been endowed with a gift to utilize for life. This is often manifested in the child’s inclination.

The following simple questions can be asked by the parents:

• What is the child inclined to be?
• What does the child enjoy doing?
• Of the things the child does, in which does the child excel?
• What do friends say about the child’s ability?
• Do others get blessed whenever the child does something he or she likes doing?
• What is the need that the child can meet growing up?

By the way all the preceding questions are also good for career choice.

As the child’s giftedness becomes more apparent, the parent can provide an opportunity for the child’s innate ability to be trained. Formal training, such as attending school, or non-formal training, such as observing someone skilled in the area, can be availed. 

Parents should not force the child to pursue a career in an area where the child is not inclined. For instance, don’t force the child to play sports if he or she likes gardening or music!

The problem occurs when parents want their children to become either who they are or what they wanted to be in life but, for some reasons, were prevented from doing so.

So, if they are health care providers, they want all their children to become either a nurse or medical doctor. Or, if they wanted to become an army general but were unable to be, they force the child to pursue a career in the military.

Both approaches will not work for the child’s satisfaction because it is sacrificing their own personal giftedness. 

2. Do validate the child regularly. 

One day, I asked one father if he loves his son. His reply was unequivocal, “Of course, I do! Why would I work hard and sacrifice my own personal preferences if I do not love him?”

I responded, “I’m glad to know that. So….., when was the last time you said to your child that you love him?”

Profound silence followed. Then he replied, “You mean I have to articulate that? Isn’t it enough that I provide for him?”

Well, have you heard this before, or have you said it yourself? 

Giving of provision or showering the child with toys does not necessarily get translated to the message of love the child needs to hear! 

One of the basic needs of every child is to receive positive affirmation. This affirmation should come primarily from those who care for the child.

The following messages are examples of validation or positive affirmation:

• “We love you!”
• “We will be forever thankful to God for you!”
• “You are an answer to our years of prayer!”
• “When you were born, we were ecstatic with thankfulness!”
• “You are very special to us!”
• “The Lord knows that we need you to complete us!”
• “You have been a source of joy, just as you are!”
• “There is no better gift we could ever receive than you!”
• “All the members of the family, are grateful that you were born in our midst!”

Nobody ever outgrows the need for validation. A child who has not been validated will attempt to look for positive strokes from outside sources.

Unfortunately, many of these sources only give validation if they will be given something in return, for they too are hungry for positive affirmation. Their validation is conditioned upon what they can get. Otherwise, it will be withheld.  

Unconditional positive affirmation from parents becomes a powerful antidote to shame. It prevents the child from thinking that he or she is unimportant. It gives the message that is something like this: “I am enough; just as I am!”

3. Do demonstrate love through time.

Have you ever heard someone say, “What’s more important to the child is quality time and not quantity time!”

Well, this is quite a misleading statement because it does not consider the reality that one can only give quality time if there is quantity time.

Let’s not deceive ourselves! Spending time with our children in a highly qualitative manner entails spending a lot of time with them. 

I would often say to my students, “To the child, ‘love’ is spelled ‘t-i-m-e.’”

The child will not receive the message that he or she is loved if the parents do not have time for them. So raising children to become stable human beings must be a parental priority! 

In today’s age, time has become a precious commodity. Performance at work is often gauged by how busy one is.

We have fallen trapped by the tyranny of the urgent that we tend to look at un-busyness as laziness.

The outcome of this outlook is an aversion to taking a rest and the collective disdain towards the pattern of quiet reflection. 

But life to be full and enjoyable must maintain a balance. This includes a balance between activity and rest, between giving and receiving, between nutrition and exercise, between talking and listening, between social interaction and solitude.

To sacrifice one for the other results in an imbalance that could profoundly affect emotional and mental health. 

Aside from spending time with the child, demonstrating love takes into consideration the idea of conveying love messages through the love language of the child.

Is it touch or words of affirmation or helping acts or giving of appropriate gifts? The primary matter is that through any of these languages, the child receives the message of parental, unconditional love. 

4. Do aspire for balance between gentleness and firm boundaries.

The combination of gentleness and firmness in setting boundaries is necessary for the discipline of children.

Gentleness refers to a mild, considerate, and even-tempered response towards the child’s behavior that is considered unacceptable. It is the opposite of roughness and harshness. 

A boundary is any invisible line that signals what is not acceptable behaviorally.

Applied to social interaction, a boundary signifies who can and who cannot participate. A closed door is a boundary. Entering without knocking violates the boundary.

Who is not invited to take part in the birthday celebration reveals a boundary. Gate-crashing violates a boundary. 

Parents are expected to respond whenever a child violates a boundary (Example: watching TV beyond allotted time).

How does one react to this violation with gentleness while remaining firm that the boundary has to be respected, is a challenge.

Without gentleness, the parents’ approach will be received by the child as harsh. Without firmness, by not imposing any sanctions, the child will not respect parental authority and will use this instance to manipulate the parent’s in the future. 

Conclusion

Parenting is a lifetime learning endeavor. As life goes on, there will be lessons to learn and unlearn.

The challenge for parents is to remain humble and willing to grow in humility, integrity, and desire to restore broken family relationships.

Children are keen observers of human behavior. So many times, adults do not give them due recognition for this inherent capacity.

But they do notice how parents react to each other and circumstances, the inflection of their speech, and their attitude towards those of different religious, political, or cultural backgrounds. 

Because of the children’s keen sense of observation, parents are to be cautious with their reaction to express disappointment with their children’s behavior.

How parents respond will eventually be copied by the children as they learn to respond to others. Remember, lessons are easier caught than taught.

So, a bullied child at home will become a bully at school. A positively affirmed child at home will be a source of encouragement to others outside.

In other words, how they are parented at home will be how they will parent when the time comes for them. 

May this article be a source of encouragement to all who read it.

For those who are starting their parenting journey, may segments of this material be a source of enlightenment.

Do not be discouraged if you make mistakes along the way. There is no perfect parent. But, learn from those mistakes and do not keep on repeating them! 

Feel free to share these tips with others in your circle of relationships. 

Let the wisdom roll so that many children will grow up to become stable and wise parents themselves in due time. Together we can make a difference!