The Blame Game

Introduction

When you come late for work, do you tend to blame the traffic or your old replaceable watch?

When you miss your turn as you go to an important appointment, is your initial reaction to blame something or someone, like the GPS or someone who gave you direction earlier?

As you were walking and slipped on the sidewalk, do you blame the rain or the poor lighting on the street?

When you missed the answer to an important exam question, do you blame the teacher for making a misleading statement or your loved one who kept on disturbing you while you were studying the night before? 

Most, if not all, of us, could relate to the practical events stated earlier. We also share the common tendency to hurl blame at someone or something whenever things do not go our way. After all, this was what we learned from Adam, right?

He quickly blamed Eve, who gave him the forbidden fruit in the garden. Of course, Eve was no different. When asked why she ate, she promptly blamed the serpent. I often wonder who the serpent would have blamed if it were asked.

Blaming is an old problem, as old as the human race. Until now, we see a lot of blaming whenever something seems to be not alright, or something is not working well.

We observe this among married couples, siblings and family members, church people, community leaders, politicians, and nations.

Former USA Vice-President Hubert H. Humphrey declared, “To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.” I smile when I read this quote because that is exactly what is observable in today’s politics. 

This article is an attempt to understand the dynamics of blaming. It also endeavors to offer practical suggestions on overcoming the blaming pattern that seems to be pervasive in all of us. 

Four principles helpful in understanding the blaming pattern  

1. Blaming is a defense mechanism. 

Blaming is a long-term developed pattern; it doesn’t come instantly. A mechanism is considered defensive when the psyche is perceived to be threatened.

There are many defense mechanisms, and blaming is only one of them. Lying, generalizing, minimizing, denial, and projection are a few other examples.

As a defense, blaming is an embedded response to flee from a perceived threat so that the individual does not need to address the content of whatever is threatening. Often, this threat is the pain that relates to accepting the truth about self honestly.

Psychologists would point to a problem with attachment in childhood that could explain a predisposition to blame.

Attachment is a process of bonding that occurs between a young child and the primary caregivers, usually the parents.

The priority task of these primary caregivers is to ensure the welfare and well-being of the child. When the parental union is dissolved, one or both parents leave the child; the attachment bond is significantly broken.

This results in the child becoming insecure while growing up. The insecurity is compounded by the negative reaction of other children to the abandoned child. 

“Insecure and ambivalent attachments can lead to us not accepting responsibilities and finding blaming easier.” (Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, quoted by Ashley Laderer in Talkspace.com, Why Do We Blame Others for Our Mistakes? 16 Jan 2020).

Individuals with disturbed attachment experiences are predisposed to blaming as a primary defense mechanism. The blaming pattern is basically to preserve diminishing self-esteem.

This is often strongly manifested in adulthood when the person aggresses due to a perceived threat born out of the embedded insecurity. In other words, the unresolved hurt due to disturbed attachment bond results in blaming as a tool to hurt others. 

Think of a blaming individual as a very hurt child who has not developed enough security to navigate life’s developmental challenges. At the heart of a person with blaming pattern is a young child who cries for help.

This painful cry has unfortunately not been articulated peacefully. For one reason or another, the hurting child has not been allowed to express the pain in a context where safety is felt. 

2. There are benefits to blaming. 

This principle explains why blaming, in adulthood, has become solidified as a pattern of reacting to perceived attacks on the psyche. The following are examples of the benefits of blaming: 

a. Blaming shields one from the pain of truth.

The primary purpose of a defense mechanism is to provide a buffer from truth perceived as extremely painful. 

The truth mentioned earlier is the presence of disturbed attachment due to parental abuse or neglect, or absence. For one reason or another, this pain has not been allowed to surface to be properly addressed.

Addiction of any form is a common shield that sedates childhood pain. It is no wonder that there is plenty of blaming in addiction. 

b. Blaming prevents one from the hard work of in-reach.

This is an essential benefit derived from blaming: to bail out the blamer from doing the hard work of looking inside.

In-reach is a process of honestly looking at one’s heart, which includes how that heart has grown through time. It promotes a willingness to experience the brokenness resulting from profound insecurity due to disturbed attachment. 

What is fitting to the maturing is to own responsibility for one’s predisposition to hurl blame unto others. However, to the blamer, this is difficult to do for the heart is still developmentally stunted.

Thus, taking responsibility is not attractive; blaming is easier. It takes a major breakthrough in wisdom to open oneself to the process of in-reach. The constant busyness of the blamer will block this process.   

c. Blaming provides an instant solution.

This benefit accompanies the two others stated earlier. Taking responsibility for in-reach takes hard work and time.

When one is busy, this option is not considered. After all, why opt for the harder road when an easier one is available? 

Unconsciously, the mind of the blamer experiences instant gratification from the easy solution. But the solution does not last.

As one continues to journey towards a life with all its required detours and interactions, the challenges to self-esteem will sooner or later surface again. And the blaming reemerges with full force.

Instant solutions are never the answer to a problem that has developed through time!

3. There are negative consequences to blaming

As blaming is a defense mechanism, it does not lead the individual to be set free by the truth. Like any defense mechanism, there are negative consequences to blaming.

There are at least two negative consequences resulting from a blaming pattern: 

a. Blaming breaks relationships.

When others are often blamed for every conflict or painful experience, they will sooner or later respond by avoiding the blamer. The result of this is a life of loneliness and isolation for the constant blamer.

The blamer is unable to develop or sustain long-lasting relationships. If there is any relationship at all, it is quite superficial and often for the ingratiation of the blamer who remains entitled and always right.

This is especially true for those holding leadership roles and has developed the skill of manipulating followers. 

b. Blaming prevents much-needed growth from occurring.

The blamer remains immature emotionally. For growth to occur, three elemental traits need to be acted upon by the individual: 

• To admit the need to grow. There is no resolution to the problem if there is no admission of its existence. Unfortunately, due to unresolved painful attachment problems of the blamer, the pattern of both entitlement and correctness has become embedded in the psyche. This brings about an observable minimal desire to improve at all levels of life. 
  
  
• To think before speaking. Before one can grow in the area of responsible speech, one that is seasoned with grace, he or she must do the rigor of process-thinking. This means, to think twice before speaking once.
  
  To the blamer, this is extremely significant, because the pattern that has developed through the years is to hurl the blame before thinking for a while. This is especially true whenever one’s self-esteem is threatened. 
  
  
• To own responsibility for one’s mistake. The blamer needs to be reminded of this truth: Everyone is prone to make mistakes. Actually, the best of us shares this human tendency.
  
  What sets the growing individual apart from those who remain children psychologically, is the prompt willingness to take responsibility and to own one’s mistakes. The presence of a small accountability partners could assist in this experience. 
  

4. Blaming patterns can be overcome

This principle calls for two virtues to develop: 

a. Humility

Simply speaking, humility is an appropriate outlook toward self as divinely loved and equally important in relation to others. How does humility develop? 

• By embracing the truth that life and relationships are divine gifts. This is an important truth that is foundational in true humility. Life is a gift that is undeserved. Part of the gift of life is the provision of relationships, starting from family to friends and to the faith community. When one who embraces life as gift looks at others as equally significant, conceit and self-diminishment are prevented to grow. 
  
   
• By seeking help from trusted others. Indeed, it takes a big dose of humility to seek help. Contrary to popular opinion it is not a weakness to admit one’s shortcomings and as a result to seek help. That is why humility is accompanied by courage, the willingness to look at oneself appropriately. If one has developed a pattern of blaming born of insecure attachment, seeking help will be of great help!
  
  When the blaming pattern has developed to the extent that relationships are broken and loneliness and anxiety have crept in, it is time to seek professional help.
  
  The blamer must seek the help of a professional therapist to assist gently in navigating past unresolved attachment issues without value-judgment. The presence of another individual with adequate training could make a difference for a lifetime!
  
  
• By maintaining accountability group. A small accountability group is a much-needed service in communities today. An accountability group is composed of like-minded individuals who share similar struggles in life.
  
  Ideally, this should be led by a trained group facilitator or someone who has overcome the blaming pattern for a few years. This is when a recovering individual from blaming pattern can become vulnerable.
  
  The hindrances to recovery can be mutually explored without value judgment and with the expressed view of mutual encouragement.  

b. Discipline

What is the place of discipline in blaming pattern recovery?

Well, growth in personal life is like a garden. It has to be tended to properly through watering, pulverizing the soil, fertilizing, pulling weeds, and pruning. And the gardener needs to do this regularly; otherwise, growth will be stunted. 

What are the necessary disciplines of a recovering blamer? 

1. Prayer.  This is a process of communicating with the Higher Power to seek continuing guidance and strength as one faces the challenges of and distractions to recovery.  A pattern of regular prayer also promotes the growth of humility mentioned earlier. 
   
2. Physical exercise. Exercise of a physical nature, as a discipline, fulfills a few objectives aside from its health benefits. It develops willingness to sacrifice that is needed in overcoming personal struggles including the predisposition to blame others. When done in the context of a small group, it bolsters a sense of belonging that promotes healthy self-esteem.  
   
3. Healthy eating pattern. In a world where food is abundant, it is easy to abuse one’s eating habits. Many diseases today are coming from excesses of physical intake. When one eats properly, the mind can think clearly. A healthy eating pattern assists in clearing the mind of too much mind-altering substances that prevents healthy responses to life’s challenges. 
   
4. Adequate sleep. An adequate amount of rest should be given to the body in a disciplined way. Sleep is a free therapy given to us all with no charge. When we neglect or abuse it, problems of all kinds surface. With adequate sleep, the recovering individual can feel rested. When one feels rested, the capacity to think wisely and to behave responsibly follow. 
   
5. Balanced lifestyle. While incorporating the first four disciplines, I refer to a balance between activity and reflection and between social interaction and personal solitude. 
   
   It is easy for the blamer to soak his life with busyness. This is a pattern that tends to shield the psyche from having to do important life processes such as reflection or personal solitude.
   
   Reflection offers opportunity for the heart to be sought by the Spirit of God. Solitude promotes the process of reflection by shielding the onslaught of distractions which are not of any shortage in this age.
   
   The advertisement of things to acquire and the pervasive presence of internet commerce are simply two examples of powerful insidious distractions. It is therefore of extreme importance for the recovering blamer to pursue vigorously a balanced lifestyle. 

Conclusion

Blaming as a pattern could be found in all walks of life. It has become an embedded defense mechanism from the pain of knowing and embracing the truth.

This painful truth is an experience that is largely due to insecurity born out of broken childhood attachment.

The pervasiveness of blaming in every society could be a commentary of the abandonment of children by their primary caregivers for whatever reason. 

We have reflected upon four important principles in our understanding of the blaming pattern. These are:

• Blaming is a defense mechanism;
• There are benefits to blaming;
• There are negative consequences to blaming; and
• Blaming can be overcome. 

While blaming is a quick solution that offers a brief reprieve to the blamer, the solution does not last.

The hard work that promotes internal and relational growth needs to be pursued if one wishes to recover from the pattern of blaming. But this hard work must be premised by dual virtues of humility and discipline.

In the midst of the pervasiveness of blaming, there is good news. Blaming can be conquered!

The personal commitment to growth, the presence of trusted others to make the blamer accountable, and the pursuit of a balanced lifestyle is extremely important.

Above all, the need to seek professional help to guide without value-judgment could be the key to those whose blaming has impaired life’s functioning.

Remember, it is not a weakness to either admit one has a problem or to seek help!