The Pain of Grief

Death is a human experience that levels us all. Everyone will die.

But before one’s appointment with death comes, someone close to the person will die either through drastic means or prolonged illness. And the common human response of emotional nature to losing someone who is loved is grief.

It is accurate therefore to say that grief is the cost of loving.

Loss of something cherished is a leveler of humanity. It does not recognize human structured boundaries like race, gender, ethnicity, economic and social status, education, or religious orientation.

Everyone will suffer loss, therefore everyone will have a share of grief.

In her groundbreaking work during the 70s, author E Kubler-Ross proposed the concept of stages of grief.

Originally observing those who were facing near-death experiences due to terminal illness, the concept was extended to those who were watching loved ones die.

Be informed, however, that the idea of stages does not suggest one’s experience follows some linear pattern for they tend to overlap and to go back and forth.

These stages are the following:

1.Denial

This is the initial response of almost everyone who encounters a loss. “It can’t be! I just spoke with her last week.” “The news is not true; there was no sign of illness whatsoever!”

“This accident could not happen to him. He is always careful when he drives!”

Denial is the psyche’s cushion to the tremendous painful impact of a loss. When people deny, they make the truth of what actually happened, bearable.

Some are fearful to accept reality because in doing so they might completely become devastated and immobilized.

Problem comes when the grieving individual remains in denial and therefore unable to address the reality of what truly happened.

2. Anger

The anger can be aimed towards different directions. One could be angry at oneself and think he or she could have done something to prevent the event from happening.

This direction brings an enormous amount of guilt.

Another can be angry at God for allowing such cruel circumstances to happen. This anger directed at the divine God could lead someone to feel resentful and actually question the validity of practicing the faith.

Others could be angry at others thinking that they too could have done something differently to prevent the loss. This type of anger could impair relationships.

Finally, some could get angry at the deceased for leaving them early. Their sense of being abandoned at such an unscheduled time could perpetrate more anger.

3. Bargaining

This is the stage where the individual sorts of bargain with the higher power to either prolong the dying’s life or restore the dying to full health.

Some will even pray that the dead will return back to life with the stipulation that the one who makes the bargain will become a better person; a more faithful believer; a more gracious sibling; a more loving child or parent.

Usually, there is a corresponding promise that the grieving makes to seal the seriousness of the request. An example of a bargaining statement is: “God if you heal my father, I promise to become a more obedient daughter.”

This is an effort to negotiate with whoever is perceived as capable of returning life from the comfortable past instead of allowing the present to take its due course.

4. Depression

This is where the reality of loss is really beginning to sink in the mind of one who grieves. The bargaining is not occurring as negotiated and the truth becomes more and more unassailable.

The mind is now unable to fight the reality of loss and the result is a flooding of intense sadness. Now the pain of loss is felt and the sting of death is experienced.

Morning comes when the lover does not come awake for breakfast. Evening comes when the son is no longer able to join family dinner.

A graduation party that was planned is no longer going to happen. The family reunion will sorely be lacking because of the loss.

This is when the grieving needs the presence of someone who will allow sadness to flow without making false promises or without giving trite one-liners like “Don’t worry, he is in a better place now.”

5. Acceptance

This is the stage when the loss is accepted without equivocation. The emotion of sadness has been allowed to flow through and the reality is now embraced.

The person who suffers the loss is able to not just mourn but also appreciate the memory provided by the lost loved one.

There are now recaptured reasons for moving forward: the children need to be cared for; the family business needs to be attended to; the church is in need of help and the giftedness of the grieving fits in meeting the need.

Some would even begin to think about having a new career so that their sense of purpose will continue.

And then the potential of sharing their story to assist those who are also suffering can become a fitting rationale for the living.

It is important to note that each grief is unique.

Experience informs that healthy grief usually spans a period of two years to accommodate the stages.

Beyond the two-year frame, the grief can become toxic that prevents one from proceeding with life with a renewed sense of purpose.

After having said this, it should be noted there is not a roadmap to grieving effectively.

What is important is to allow the individual to respond to the loss, with grace, non-judgmentalism, and unconditional love.

All throughout these stages, the presence of someone who will journey with the grieving is of extreme importance.

It is hard enough to grieve; it is harder to do it alone.

Having a community of supportive friends before the actual loss is an important preparation for grief.

Therefore, establishing and nurturing loving relationships while everything seems to be alright prepares all of us for times when everything seems to fall apart.