Understanding Gaslighting and How to Avoid Being Gaslighted

Introduction 

Several weeks ago, a good friend requested that I write down my understanding of the gaslighting phenomenon. She mentioned that the term is commonly used nowadays. She also expressed that a more thorough understanding of what it means would be helpful. This article is a response to this request.

The term gaslighting emerged in the mid-1940s. It originated from the 1944 film entitled Gaslight. In the movie, the husband would search the closed-off upper floors of the house where they live, formerly resided by her dead rich aunt. Passing through another place next door, he would light the gas lamps, which caused the rest of the lights in the house to dim. When the wife mentioned to him about the dimming lights at night, the husband convinced her that she was hearing noises that were not there and eventually persuaded her that she was not mentally well. She agreed to be committed to the psychiatric hospital. His primary motivation for doing this was so he could steal from the wealth left by the wife’s dead aunt and presumed to be on the upper floors. Later, the word is loosely used to describe the process of making others question their reality. (Wikipedia, retrieved 02 June 2022)

Psychology Today defines gaslighting as “… an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, perception, and sanity.” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting retrieved 02 June 2022). 

Gaslighting can be found in all areas of life, where its essential elements are insidiously present. It can exist in marriages, the workforce, educational institutions, politics, and religious groups. This phenomenon can be observed wherever there are relationships with a power differential.

The following are essential elements that could powerfully contribute to the growth of gaslighting:

Essential Elements in Gaslighting

1. Presence of power differential. In gaslighting, there is a noticeable gap regarding the dispense of power. On the one hand, there is the person who wields authority. On the other hand, someone follows what the authority figure dictates.
   
   The one with authority is called the perpetrator of gaslighting, and the other is the victim who often demonstrates vulnerability.
   
   
2. The perpetrator is in a position of authority. Gaslighting will not occur if no perpetrator is in a position of authority and considerable power. This person could be the husband in a rigidly structured patriarchal marriage, the pastor of a church who manifests narcissistic behavior, or the politician who is always right and whose every declaration is correct.
   
   There seems to be an unquenchable thirst for control in the perpetrator. Thus, even acts considered abusive and psychologically manipulative will be employed by the perpetrator to attain one’s selfish goals. 
   
   Power or authority is not bad when wielded by a person motivated by humble service for the greater good. When power, however, is given to the wrong hands, it becomes detrimental to the welfare of others. 
   
   History informs us all to be extra cautious in giving power to someone. The hard work of vetting the candidate for an authoritative office will return its dividends later!
   
   
3. A victim who demonstrates vulnerability. An old saying goes, “It takes two to tango!” This saying applies at all levels of relationships, whether healthy or unhealthy.
   
   Indeed, it applies to gaslighting as well. Unfortunately, the availability of a victim is not sparse. There is no perpetrator if there is no victim.
   
   We will understand this quite clearly when we become more aware of the dynamics of “shame,” which will be explored in the next element. 
   
   Quite often, the person victimized by abusive gaslighting of another is vulnerable from the very start. This victim is someone who usually does not have a solid sense of personal worth and severely diminished self-esteem.
   
   These individuals have not developed the skill of setting clear boundaries and would often second guess their feelings. For example, when they feel awkward due to a violation of boundary (someone touched them in the private areas of their bodies), they do not honor how they feel and therefore make no protestation of the violation.
   
   And because of their lack of self-confidence, they think of the worst if they make some noise. In the process, the abusive behavior of the perpetrator becomes more repeated. 
   
   
4. Dynamics of Shame. Shame is an enduring pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving. It is a Self-Hating Attitude, Mentality, and Emotionality.
   
   It is developed early in life primarily through a faulty relationship with primary caregivers, which conveys a loud message to the child of something like this: “You are not enough!” “Something is wrong with you!”
   
   The primary activator of shame is alienation. The corresponding message is this: “You have to be more!” Or, “You have to be someone else!” And so, the child who is shamed grows up having no skill or confidence in establishing healthy relationships. 
   
   How “Shame” plays a role in gaslighting is quite fascinating to comprehend. 
   
   Let me attempt to explain how this dynamic comes into play. 
   
   a. Perpetrator’s Thirst for Control. The shamed child finds performance as a vehicle for validation which unfortunately has not been provided appropriately by primary givers.
   
   It wouldn’t be long for the child to realize that there are specific areas he or she can perform well. They are academics, sports and athletics, fine arts, and work. These areas are usually where rewards for one’s performance are expressed tangibly. 
   
   When placed in a position to perform leadership roles with an inherent amount of power, the shamed child is lured and becomes a high risk of being a manipulative leader. This is when the seed of gaslighting is germinated. The thirst for validation is now translated into the need to control through the inherent power in one’s hands. 
   
   b. Victim’s need for approval. A validation-seeking child can perform tasks with the primary intent of getting approval. This is another potential scenario in which a shamed child who is hungry for validation can participate.
   
   The approval is often more valuable whenever given by someone in authority, which symbolizes the primary caregivers who failed to do their parenting tasks adequately. 
   
   The shamed child who constantly seeks approval has learned to derive esteem for self from becoming selflessly helpful to the point of personal sacrifice. This personal sacrifice includes allowing one’s boundary to be violated or even allowing one’s basic needs to remain unmet.
   
   This basic need does not just refer to food, clothing, and shelter. It includes the need for personal space, to be respected, accepted, and loved as one is and not for what one does. 
   
   When one’s space is crossed without permission, the boundary for which a person is considered a separate individual is violated. When this becomes a pattern, the shamed child who is now an adult becomes a high risk of being a gaslighting victim.
   
   
5. Inherent Goal in Gaslighting. Every experience of gaslighting has an intrinsic goal. For the perpetrator, the goal is to take advantage of the victim.
   
   In the 1944 movie mentioned earlier, the husband’s goal was to steal the wife’s jewelry, which her famous opera-singer aunt left behind. And the wife, who became confused about her reality and sanity, became a docile participant. 

Gaslighting is insidious because the motivation to take advantage is often unconscious. The reader may recall that both the perpetrator and the victim have unresolved shame from childhood.

For the perpetrator, the thirst for control is second nature. It has become part of the behavioral pattern that has been rewarded through the years. 

On the other hand, the victim who also has unresolved shame derives certain benefits from being victimized.

The need to be approved by an authority figure is accomplished through the gaslighting relationship with the perpetrator. This need is incredibly fascinating to note because, at the initial start of the relationship, the perpetrator often is quite generous with positive comments and affirming feedback.

Many perpetrators are charismatic and have strong speaking ability. Thus, they are attractive to the victims.

As time passes, the perpetrator’s pattern has entrapped the victim. Although in the victim’s mind, the gaslighting process is also advantageous. 

Practical Suggestions on How to Stop Gaslighting

1. Recognize the warning signs. Gaslighting is a slow yet effective manipulative process. It starts with words and acts of kindness, but the real motivation is weakening and controlling the other person.
   
   Here are some practical signs to recognize the presence of gaslighting:
   
   

a. Frequent use of half-truths. The lies are subtle. But gaslighters are pretty clever in intentionally missing out on certain important information or terms so that the other person will not have a comprehensive perspective about something being discussed.

b. Prevalence of blaming. When confronted with the lie, the gaslighter will blame. “Oh, that’s not what I said. You misunderstood me!” “No, they have misinterpreted my statement!” This answer is often an escape route of the gaslighter. 

c. Creating an atmosphere of complete dependence. The message that is frequently, yet subtly, conveyed by the perpetrator is that the victim will be unhappy without him. This is usually accompanied by assurances like, “Nobody knows you better than I do!” Or “There’s no one else who completely understands you!” 

d. Belittling of friends or family. Remember that the purpose of gaslighting is to have complete control of the victim. So, anyone close to her will be a target of belittling. The primary purpose of such a demeaning process is to diminish the role of others in the life of the victim. 

e. Second-guessing oneself. It is not uncommon for the gaslighting victim to second guess her thoughts and feelings during a conversation with a gaslighter. Eventually, the victim will begin to doubt her reality and sanity. 

f. Lack of respect for boundaries. The one abused by the gaslighter often experiences being compelled to do something she is uncomfortable doing. Her ethical principles are compromised in the process.

Such episodes are often predicated by statements like “If you love me enough, you will do this for me.” Consequently, she is trapped in guilt in whatever direction she follows.

2. Set clear boundaries. A primary defense against gaslighting is to develop and observe clear boundaries. Setting clear boundaries is an ultimate challenge in a society and culture where one is expected not to hurt another’s feelings.

It is hard to say “No” with a smile while conveying that one does not allow such statements or actions because it violates a boundary! 

So, boundaries are clarified and observed so one will not be abused. And gaslighting is manipulatively abusive! It is done by an insecure individual and unwittingly perpetuated by the victim who has not learned to grow up!

3. Strengthen self-esteem. It is a common observation that those at high risk of being victimized by gaslighting are individuals with diminished self-esteem. These people think that they cannot be happy alone. Thus, they tend to seek someone else to bring them much-needed happiness. And gaslighters can spot these easy preys. 

It is, however, a false belief to think that someone can make us happy. The truth of the matter is this: Nobody can make us feel the way we feel!

How we feel is a result of our thought process. Strengthening self-esteem, therefore, calls for an intentional shift of thinking to include the following: “I am special!” “God has created me with spiritual gifts for service!” “I am loved!” “I am significant!” “I am worthy of respect and celebration!” “I matter!”

When one learns to be happy with oneself, he or she is a poor candidate for gaslighting! 

4. Honor your feeling. Emotion is one of God’s faculties endowed upon each human being. There is a reason why we feel the way we feel. These basic emotions are triggered by something or someone: joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness, disgust, anger, and anticipation. (Plutchik’s 8 Basic Emotions, https://study.com/learn/lesson/plutchik-emotion-wheel.html). 

Fear, sadness, disgust, and anger are common in gaslighting. When someone’s statements or behavior caused any of these feelings to emerge, the noble response is to honor these emotions.

Do not deny your feeling! The constant denial of feeling could potentially result in forfeiture of one’s personhood and disrespect for who one is. These four feelings could signal that something has to change, including deciding to back off from the relationship with a gaslighter! 

5. Learn Emotional Intelligence (EI). Applying EI is an excellent method of setting a boundary. The following are essential elements of EI:

-identifying one’s feeling that was triggered by an experience;

-labeling and owning the feeling as one’s own; and

-communicating the feeling with whoever is concerned.

Here are a few examples:

-Wife to the husband: “When I heard you say the curse word, I felt hurt; I wanted you to know that.” 

-Husband to wife: “When I observed you not talking with me, I felt sad. I wanted to let you know about this.”

-Father to son: “When I heard you saying words like ‘ugly, fat, and stupid’ to your little sister, I felt both angry and sad inside. I wanted to let you know about this. ”  

-Peer to friend: “When I heard you telling our classmate that he is the ugliest person on earth!’ I feel very sad knowing he is already struggling with very low self-worth. I wish to convey that to you. “

Remember that EI announces one’s feelings and does not label the other person. Labeling another (mean, arrogant, foolish) conveys being accused and promptly results in defensiveness. EI, however, cannot be argued because it is simply an announcement of one’s emotional state.   

6. Report to a trusted other. This is an essential step toward resolving the gaslighting experience, significantly when the pattern of abusive behavior has not changed. Reporting to a trusted other is to seek an objective perspective on the matter. This action ensures that a well-thought-out and emotionally uninvolved point of view will be provided. 

Any of the following individuals to whom the victim has access could be sought: a church minister or elder, a teacher; a school guidance counselor; or an older family friend.

One of them can provide an outlook on the seriousness of the gaslighting matter and perhaps can make a referral for further professional help whenever needed.

Their leadership role may be able to offer an intervention that will not only stop the gaslighting process but also provide help to the gaslighter who is most likely suffering from unresolved pain due to childhood development issues.  

7. Seek Competent Help. Seeking professional help is warranted when normal life functioning is adversely affected, sleep pattern is disturbed, and appetite is impaired. It is not unusual for the victim of gaslighting to experience diminished self-esteem that needs to be restructured with competent professional help.

Seeking competent help could assist the victim in becoming aware of a lurking major depression or anxiety disorder that has contributed to being at high risk for gaslighting.

This writer’s experience as a Licensed Professional Counselor reveals that a presenting problem, in this case – being a gaslighting victim – offers a window to a host of other psychological issues that the individual has been struggling with through the years. Thus, the presented problem is a clue to fundamentally what needs to change in one’s lifestyle. 

Conclusion

Gaslighting as a phenomenon has evolved to mean a manipulative strategy to weaken and control another person by convincing the victim to question his or her reality and sanity.

It is abusive and could be fatal. Usually, it involves a power differential between two parties: the authority figure and the vulnerable victim. 

Indeed, the experience of gaslighting is often possible with two persons in play: the perpetrator, who is profoundly insecure, and the victim, who is often quite vulnerable.

Both suffer from unresolved shame manifested in symbiotic dynamics: the perpetrator is thirsty for control, and the victim is needy for approval. In some sense, both need each other to revitalize the gaslighting mechanism.

This article has endeavored to show the tell-tale signs that gaslighting is present and must be addressed promptly using practical suggestions.

Seeking a trusted other and a competent professional to help may be warranted in cases where daily life functioning is so impaired due to the amount of distress experienced by the victim.

Please feel free to share this article with friends and loved ones who may know of someone suffering from this increasing social malaise that plagues our generation. 

Your response in the Comment section is also highly appreciated. Shalom!